Now I See
by ForeverLilacLies
Summary: 'Because now I see, and I am sorry.' Kakashi gets his final goodbye with Itachi.


**This oneshot is based on intheendlessbluewine's work. If you're not following her on tumblr then you really need to reevaluate your priorities.**

* * *

He had tried to move on.

Really.

He went on dates, met new people. Even had sex. But it wasn't the same. They didn't get his blood pumping or his heart racing. They didn't have him on the tips of his toes and yet feeling more at ease then he had in years. There was no spark of excitement or rush of pleasure each time he met their eyes.

They weren't Itachi.

Kakashi had no interested in getting invested in someone. He didn't want to be hurt again. Then, Genma had set him up with Iruka. Probably hoping that it would help get his mind off of Itachi. And for awhile, it did. For awhile Kakashi found real enjoyment with the soft spoken, friendly man. Iruka had a great sense of humor and eyes that held such warmth, that Kakashi was captivated. His laugh was contagious and he cared so deeply for all of his students.

He wanted to find happiness with Iruka. Iruka was a good man. But Irukua's hair was not long and shiny and dark as night. His skin was far too tanned and his eyes not as bottomless. Iruka was not Itachi, and Kakashi could not pretend that he was. And it seemed the man knew it as well. Each date they went on, it seemed Iruka could tell there was a ghost that refused to leave Kakashi's mind. The single time they tried to sleep with each other, Kakashi could not get aroused. He tried, frustrated and humiliated, but remained flaccid and uninterested. Iruka tried to speak kindly to Kakashi, but the man did not seem to hear any of it. Kakashi was as sullen as ever and Iruka finally seemed to have had enough. He leaned leaned over the edge of the bed, warm eyes focusing on the Copy nin.

"It's someone else, isn't it?" He asked softly and Kakashi did not answer, still sitting slouched on the edge of the bed, face buried in his hands as his stomach churned. He did not hear as Iruka sighed in disappointment and begin to redress. Kakashi didn't go on any dates after that. And no one tried to set him up on one again.

For years Kakashi was forced to live with the belief that Itachi had turned into some kind of monster and slaughtered nearly his entire clan for power. For years he was forced to see Itachi's face in Bingo books with the knowledge that if they were ever to meet again, it would be as enemies. Kakashi had to train the single survivor of the Uchiha massacre, a boy filled with far too much hatred and even more pain. There was no doubt that Kakashi was training his former lover's future murderer. And even though it was his duty to do so, it still left a bitter taste in his mouth. Itachi had been thirteen. Old enough to kill and fight, but still considered too young to fall in love. Kakashi couldn't help but be disgusted by the hypocrisy in that statement. When Itachi had first come to him, Kakashi had been hesitant, but in the end, he had been unable to keep away from the Uchiha. For a few months they had been happy. But Kakashi had noticed the changed. How the boy seemed to be losing weight or seemed exhausted. Yet he managed his missions as well as ever and he still found time to come see Kakashi whenever he could. It must have been the struggles with the clan. They could still work everything out. Kakashi had been so sure of it.

He had been shivering that final night. Kakashi had just brushed it off as him being effected by the chill in the air. He had not even...asked. Instead he pressed his lips against the Uchiha's and pulled him closer. Itachi had wrapped his arms around Kakashi, fingers tightening in silver hair. Kakashi laughed softly, his breath puffing in the chilled air.

"You're enthusiastic." He observed and Itachi had smiled shakily, eyes overly bright.

"Am I?" Itachi hummed, voice wavering slightly.

"Not that I'm complaining." Kakashi stated quickly, his lips finding Itachi's throat and sucking softly at the soft skin. Itachi sighed against him, eyes falling shut, his fingers lightly stroking through Kakashi's silver hair. He offered the nin a gentle smile and again Kakashi felt that something was off. Yet he did nothing. He pushed Itachi against the bridge, arms on either side of the Uchiha as he stared at him. "You're gorgeous." He mused. Itachi tilted his head slightly, surprise filling those dark eyes of his.

"You're a flatterer." He shot back. Kakashi chuckled, taking a slender hand and kissing the knuckles lightly. He grinned against Itachi's hand and the Uchiha offered him a smile that was both vulnerable and adoring. His eyes however, held something that Kakashi could not place. When they parted, Itachi had looked back over his shoulder. His eyes had been activated as if taking in every last detail of Kakashi's face and Kakashi...Kakashi had smiled at him and waved goodbye, not knowing that nearly twenty four hours later he would be gathering the corpses of Itachi's clan for burial. He had no idea that the very ground he walked on would be saturated with their blood and while his heart would hurt and hate Itachi's actions, the boy would be miles away silent and stone faced as he took his final descent into the dark.

* * *

They would meet twice more in the new several years and both times Itachi proved himself to be the more powerful of the two. There was no hesitation in his actions and no warmth in those eyes of his. The Itachi, Kakashi had known and loved was dead with the rest of his clan. Perhaps that was just another reason why Kakashi found himself truly hating Itachi. Not just because of his betrayal and his actions against Sasuke, but for killing the kind boy that he had once been. Sasuke's fall into darkness had left another hold in Kakashi's heart, but he was accustomed to it. This pain was to be expected when he cared for anyone. His father, his team, Itachi, Sasuke...perhaps even Sakura and Naruto were in danger.

He had truly come to hate _Itachi_. He had murdered his clan, tortured his brother and hunted an innocent boy. He was heartless and Kakashi could not believe how easily he had been played. So when he learned of Itachi's death he had pushed away his own pain with the harsh belief that it was justice. That Itachi's actions had finally caught up with him. How wrong he had been. When Kakashi finally learned the truth about the massacre, it had been too late. Too late to save Itachi and too late to apologize. Kakashi had counted it as another one of his failures and prepared himself to go on with life as he was expected to.

Then he saw him.

It was a moment, dark eyes and hair like night whipping through the wind. But it couldn't be. Could it? Naruto had said that Itachi had come back. But Kakashi wasn't that lucky. He would never have been able to see his lover again. Yet when Kakashi blinked, there he was. Running as quickly as he could and Kakashi gave chase, not wanting Itachi to elude him this time. Itachi seemed focused on evading him and picked up his speed, ignoring Kakashi's shouts. He moved nimbly, with no hints of fatigue or uncertainty. With the Edo Tensei activated, it seemed Itachi was back without his illness clouding him.

"Itachi!" Kakashi shouted over the howling wind. "Itachi, please!" It couldn't possibly be just a hallucination. Not this. Not Itachi. The Uchiha turned to face Kakashi and the man's breath caught in his throat. His skin was like broken porcelain, cracked and delicate. His eyes...a sea of black stared back at Kakashi with the Sharingan as bright as ever. It was a macabre of a sight. Itachi's beauty now broken and distorted.

"Kakashi," Itachi finally greeted, voice far too soft. "You've found me." The Uchiha offered Kakashi a barely noticeable smile, his eyes tired. He was wearing a cloak far too big for him and it reminded Kakashi of the time he had given Itachi his cloak during a rainstorm.

"Naruto said you had...he said he had seen you. I didn't think I would get the chance." The copy nin admitted and the Uchiha turned away.

"Naruto talks to much." He hummed and Kakashi snorted at this as Itachi shook his head. "I cannot stay. I have to get to Kabuto and end this." Itachi replied apologetically. Had he been hoping to avoid running into Kakashi? Maybe, it would have saved him some heartache. "I'm sorry."

"You don't apologize," Kakashi began roughly. "Not to me, not to anyone." He was still being used. First by his clan and the village and now he was being yanked back from what should have been his right at a peaceful rest to do another's bidding. The cycle would never end and looking at Itachi's wrecked body only fueled Kakashi's anger. Why couldn't they just leave Itachi in peace? Had he not earned that? The Uchiha shook his head and stepped back, foot crunching over a branch. The snap seemed to pull Itachi out of whatever trance he was in and the young man shook his head.

"I must go." Itachi stated voice barely audible as he turned away from the copy nin.

"Not yet." Kakashi argued, feeling like a child. "Don't leave." He moved forward as Itachi took several steps back, nearly tripping as he moved.

"I have to." Itachi argued weakly. "I can't stay here." He was here for a purpose. He was only a tool and Kakashi could not contain the anger he felt any longer. What had Sarutobi been thinking? What sort of Hokage turned a blind eye to the horrors Danzo was ordering? Kakashi had been in the dark before. No more. He was not going to let Itachi go without a fight. He strode towards Itachi who lifted his chin as if in defiance.

"We need to talk." Kakashi stated, voice nearly silky and even if it were not for the wildness in his eyes. Itachi stopped walking back and now stood his ground, hands curling into loose fists.

"I have nothing more to say to you." Came the brittle reply that sounded weak even in Kakashi's ears.

" _Bullshit_." Kakashi snapped and reached out to yank Itachi forward against his chest, arm quickly wrapping around him to pull the Uchiha close. For a moment, Itachi stood tense and unyielding against him, then as if a dam had broken, the Uchiha buried his face against Kakashi's shoulder as his body went limp against him.

"I'm sorry." Kakashi whispered, voice rough and Itachi shook his head.

"Don't," He replied weakly. "You did nothing wrong." Kakashi ignored him, thumb stroking down Itachi's cracked cheek, pulling away so he could stare into Itachi's eyes. He wondered if the younger man could see the ache in them. Could he feel the self hatred that Kakashi was choking on? He saw glimpses of the life they could have lived. Cheesy love notes and holding hands on dates. Surprise treats of dango and all of Kakashi's summons adoring Itachi. And all that went up in flames because even now it was too late. Even with Itachi in his arm it was over. There was no breath in Itachi's lungs. There was no heart beat. He could never have Itachi again and the knowledge of this had him hugging the Uchiha all over again, one arm stroking down his back as the other tightened against him. How long would he have gone on hating Itachi? How long after Itachi's death would he have refused to allow himself to mourn? If Madara had never told them, Kakashi would have lived the rest of his lies believing a horrible lie.

"Because now I see...and I am sorry." Kakashi's eyes clenched shut as he hugged Itachi tighter.

"You have nothing to apologize for." Itachi mumbled against Kakashi's shoulder. "I have many things to apologize for." Kakashi corrected. Kakashi yanked his mask down and offered the Uchiha a smile. The sight of Kakashi's bare face had Itachi's lips pulling up in the corners. His eyes seemed to drink all of Kakashi in and Kakashi stood silently, allowing the Uchiha his chance to see Kakashi once more. The Uchiha reached and touched Kakashi's lips with chilled fingers.

"As handsome as ever, Kakashi." He murmured lips still pulled into a smile. Kakashi hummed.

"Compared to you I feel plain and old. My kohai became so _beautiful_." He mused softly, stroking a thumb over the Uchiha's lip and Itachi smiled wanly.

"Still referring to me as beautiful..." He hummed in exasperation. " _Flatterer_."

"Still as true now as it was nine years ago." He replied with a little grin. And it was true. Despite the cracks in Itachi's skin or the blackened eyes, he was still Itachi and he was still so painfully beautiful. He pressed his forehead against Itachi's. "I missed you." He breathed out. He had missed Itachi more than words could describe, and even worse was that he couldn't even mourn him Not with Itachi's secret. He would remain a dark smudge in Konoha's memory and this fact only had Kakashi hating himself more. Itachi smiled back. A true smile that even reached his eyes.

"I missed you as well." He replied, staring up into Kakashi's eyes. Kakashi's hand curled over Itachi's as he kissed his wrist. "I have to confront Kabuto." the Uchiha murmured weakly. Kakashi could't talk him out of it. He couldn't demand anything of Itachi.

"Let me go with you." Kakashi pleaded. "Let me help you." _Let me help you this one time._ Itachi lowered his gaze, fixing his eyes on the grass at his feet as Kakashi continued to stare at him longingly. "Your duty is to the village. And I can't ask you to leave it."

"My duty is to you right now." Kakashi didn't let go of Itachi's hand for a long moment, unable and unwilling to lose him so quickly. For once, Kakashi was forgoing the village. For once, Kakashi was choosing himself first even if it went against his every instinct as a shinobi. Fuck the village, fuck everyone. Itachi smiled again, painfully and pressed his lips against Kakashi's shoulder.

"Then let me go. Go back to the village and rebuild. You've seen the dark underbelly of the village. Make the change. Help my brother move on." Kakashi's chest tightened. Let Itachi go to die once more? H had failed him years ago and now it felt like he was failing him again.

"I can't lose you again." He roughly stated. "Not when there is so much left unsaid." Itachi jolted forward suddenly and Kakashi's eyes widened as the Uchiha pressed his lips against him in a sudden kiss. He wasted no time in grasping the back of Itachi's head and deepening the kiss, nipping at Itachi's bottom lip and begging for entrance. Itachi complied and Kakashi's tongue dove into the Uchiha's mouth. Itachi kissed back with just as much vigor, but Kakashi was clumsy. Almost like some stupid teenage boy that didn't know how to kiss properly. When they parted it was only Kakashi that was panting, but Itachi offered him another smile.

"I'll be gone yes, but I'm not meant for this world any longer. I have to go on. I'll always be with you, even if you can't see me. And when you dream, you know I'll be there. Become Hokage. Make the village a better place so no one else has to lose their loved ones." He kissed Kakashi once more, a parting kiss to say goodbye. Kakashi's hand continued to hold onto Itachi's as the Uchiha stepped away. Their fingers remained interlocked for a long moment before Itachi pulled away, Kakashi still reaching. He watched Itachi turn and walk away, his cloak still too big and his steps still burdened. The Uchiha moved to the tree line, shoulders hunched and hand reaching out to the nearest tree to steady himself. This was the life of a shinobi. To fight and bleed and die. And in Itachi's case to repeat the process all over again. But this was Itachi's path and as much as it hurt Kakashi to watch him go...how could he stop him?

"Itachi!" Kakashi called out and the Uchiha turned, eyes far older than they should ever be. "I love you. That had never changed. Never will." He whispered and Itachi smiled at him. A smile that seemed to light up his entire face and return life to him.

"I love you too." Itachi's voice was filled with such warmth. "Don't you dare die on me again." He teased with a stern tone. "I don't expect to see you for at least another forty or fifty years." Kakashi offered the Uchiha a dramatic bow, hand extended.

"As my love commands." Kakashi acquiesced and Itachi smiled again, slowly releasing the tree and stepping back, eyes once again saddened.

"Goodbye, senpai." He murmured and in an instant was gone, leaving Kakashi standing alone in the forest. Kakashi stared at the spot he had stood, smile forming into something more tender and pained.

"I'll be seeing you again someday, kohai."


End file.
